The Necessity of Vulnerability

As a little girl, eager to be liked and accepted, I shared way too much of myself: my sentiments, my belongings, my heart & Soul.

I sought to be accepted within the different schools and communities we moved to; a timid girl with a jumbo ear, the object of much ridicule.

When I think back to that time period, it still saddens me sometimes. I don’t want any kid to ever feel like that: outcast / judged / ridiculed for how they speak or look or eat or live etc.

My mother would tell me that I shouldn’t share everything with everyone. My dad called me Santa Claus, as my MO was to run to the house and see what I could give away or share, simply to gain the approval of total strangers.

I now know this was my open G Center (Human Design) desperately seeking love & direction or direction through love…same difference.

And they were right because most of the time it turned around and bit me right in the arse: laying my heart on my sleeve one day would have it backfire the next and this scenario would play far into my adult life.

Eventually, I shut down. I retreated more and more within myself, a place that at least felt safe. I shunned interacting with others, except for a rare few, trying to be that flower on the wall or trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, the depth I so crave in relationships and friendships watered down to shallow interactions…

I now know a lot of this has to do with my 5/1 profile (Human Design) which holds a projection field.

As I grew older, of course, this just wasn’t sustainable. I was a volcano ready to explode, all the hurt and anger building up inside of me like a pressure cooker.

My parents were right of course, but only to a certain extent and I needed to learn ‘the hard’ way: that not letting anyone in or anything out is also NOT the answer.

There is a balance.

To heal, grow and evolve, you need to be able to be vulnerable. there is no other way.

It is an art that needs to be developed, nurtured and ritualistically tended to.

When the valve of my emotional pressure cooker came off it wasn’t a pretty sight. I was angry at the world and at myself and I didn’t want to let anyone in, to the detriment of my own health and sanity.

How could I let others in if they would only betray my trust?!

There was a lot of healing to be done. And that is the key: healing.

When you heal, you are able to discern a lot more about what you want to share and with whom.

When you can speak of things with ease rather than with pain, you are able to see it so much more clearly.

And most importantly: vulnerability IS the path to healing…

Scary I know…

I had to do my healing initially with the help of a psychiatrist paired with the true desire to help myself. It was either that or death for me, no gray area, as a matter of fact, it was the gray area in which I exploded. or maybe I imploded. Either way, I had lost myself completely.

It was a huge learning curve; to feel into who I was willing to let into my world and heart and to melt the sheath of iron I had so carefully cast around it.

I am 52 now and I am still learning. However, experience has shown me that I have the power to decide what to allow and accept in my life and what I share and with who.

And I also know that I won’t always get it right. and that’s okay.

Accepting that not everyone will be ‘my person’ always and forever, has been important. People come and go…what is the lesson though?

Also understanding that not all my secrets will be held as much as I hold them for myself or others.

I now know that I am the keeper of secrets and one who secrets are shared with according to my Human Design and it requires integrity and healthy boundaries on my part.

And through that understanding, discerning what I share and with who has been a blessing. And at the same time what I allow others to share with me has also been a blessing.

When I am asked to share a part of my story or when I share it in writings like this, I share from a healed space. From a place that doesn’t mind that others know and what others know.

We all experience so much in life, and so much can be traumatic to us. We need to heal the wounds so we can speak from the scarring.

And to do this we need to be willing to be vulnerable. And that starts with being able to share yourself…with yourself.

How do you start?

• You KNOW and FEEL in your bones that it is time…
• You find the right ‘tools’ for you.
• You find the right person for you if you can’t do it alone.
• You find the right person with the right tools.

Much warmth,

Debby